he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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