Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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