I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
