If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
