I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize