I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
