You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize