By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Randomize
