Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Someone came in the potted fern
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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