Pants 0. Shit 1.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
