Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
