I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
