We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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