I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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