I CAN MOONWALK!
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
