im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
