This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
At least life still wants to fuck me.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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