Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
