No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize