i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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