shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
