In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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