I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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