either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
