similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Randomize
