he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
