piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
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