1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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