i wish there were pregnant emoticons
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I just gargled with NyQuil
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
