I met the friendliest cop last night
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
