Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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