I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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