If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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