No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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