my phone needs a breathalizer
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Randomize