I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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