1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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