you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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