does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
