At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
