He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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