I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
