I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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