I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
