my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
check it out our google latitudes are spooning
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
