In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
