fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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