its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
