there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
