he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
