so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
