the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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