i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
