My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
