What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
