She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize