i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
