Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
